what i will miss

Some days are harder than others. Maybe it's a friend's Facebook post about their child, maybe it's a TV commercial. But pretty much daily I am reminded of the things I will miss by not being able to be a parent.

  • being pregnant
  • giving birth
  • seeing my baby for the first time
  • naming my baby
  • nursing my baby
  • feeding my baby
  • cleaning poopy diapers
  • my baby's first smile
  • my baby cooing
  • feeling the love of my baby
  • my baby laughing (there is nothing sweeter than a baby's laugh)
  • my baby's first steps
  • loving my baby
  • my baby's first words
  • potty training
  • feeling my child's hand in mine
  • taking my child to see family in England
  • my baby's first hair cut
  • my child's first night in their big kid's bed
  • my child's first day of school
  • my child's sporting events
  • loving my child
  • doing home work with my child
  • feeling the love of my child
  • teaching my child to take photographs
  • celebrating my child's birthdays
  • my child's first love
  • holding my child
  • teaching my child to drive
  • going on holiday with my child
  • loving my child
  • my child's high school graduation
  • taking my child to college
  • feeling pride in my child
  • seeing my child graduate from college
  • hearing of my child's engagement
  • attending my child's wedding
  • loving my child
  • hearing of my child's pregnancy or pending adoption
  • being a grandma
  • loving my grandchildren
  • loving my child
and the list goes on...

With children, one pretty much has the rest of their life mapped out for them, celebrations to look forward to, milestones, etc. Without children, the future seems a vast wasteland, with little to look forward to.

I know it's not all sweetness and light, I know you have to take the bad with the good, and we were more than willing to do that.

We will never understand why we are being left out of life's sweetest blessing.


  1. True... The interesting part of this is the hiccup in the "having children" milestone, as you mentioned. It leaves you confused. Like, if there are no kids, what are you supposed to do? This makes me think of a time a friend of mine who has two children told me she felt like she'd met all her milestones and now death was racing to meet her. It made me want to smack her. :-)

  2. I have good days and bad days too. I was able to go to a baby shower last weekend...that was a major step for me.

    Do try and focus on the things that you won't miss. For my husband and I, the big one is TIME. We have used a lot of that time for some volunteer activities that I know my friends with kids just couldn't do.

    Does it make it easier? No, but it sometimes is enough to get out of that hole.

  3. It is just so hard for me think about all of the MILLIONS of children in this world in need of loving parents...and here you are, with love to give. Is there no one you can borrow money from? Or take a loan from the bank, to be able to go through an agency?????

  4. Bethany, Sadly we are in debt up to our eyeballs, we've already taken out a second on our house. I'm afraid no one would give us money, and we'd have no way to pay it back AND raise a child. It's a sad situation and I don't want others to end up here.

  5. I wish I had enough to give you. Just keep praying. God works in mysterious ways!

  6. Just stumbled on your blog today. I don't know your whole story but my impulse is to shout, "Don't Give Up!" Please don't give up! If it is money that is holding you back, what about foster/adopt? or put some expenses on a credit card. Please don't give up. It took us 10 years and I can honestly say that after 2 years as a mom, 85% of the pain I had during infertility is GONE. GONE! Don't give up.

  7. I can't imagine the heartache that went into the post. I just found this blog, and I'm crying my eyes out. I had a two year battle with infertility before I was blessed with a pregnancy. Two years is nothing compared to others' journeys, but it was enough to almost kill me. I was at my rope's end when my pregnancy happened. I was literally about to throw in the towel at least for a little while.

    I saw everything in your post happening. Never seeing any of those things ever. Which I suppose is why it brought me to tears.

    It upsets me that people who are in debt are not allowed to adopt. My husband and I are in debt, and our daughter receives every last thing she could ever need/want. Our debt gets managed. We have a tighter budget. Things happen. And yet, children, countless children are left in foster care without loving doting parents because of money matters?? That's ridiculous! Drug addicts are getting pregnant by the minute, and yet, someone with as simple a problem as debt can't adopt!

    My heart and my love go out to you! I cannot give you words of comfort. I only hope that with each passing day, as time passes, the loss of your family heals.