where to begin

Well, it's terminal. We will never have children. This is the worst news I've ever received. It's unthinkable.

I just don't know where to begin. And I don't know where I fit in now. Everyone who wants them, has children. Everyone but us. I feel so isolated. And the timing, it couldn't be worse. The holidays. A season centered around children. I have not bought one Christmas gift yet. My heart is just not in it. I want to wake up in January tomorrow.

How do we go on?

We have spent 11.5 years of our 14.5 year marriage trying to bring children into our family of two. I hardly know how to get through the day without thinking of infertility treatment or searching the internet for children in foster care who need a forever family.

I think I'm still kinda in shock. This just cannot be happening to me, to us. I'd rather have cancer than not have children. There, I said it. It is how I feel. People who have never suffered from infertility may never understand.

to be continued . . .


  1. I'm sorry for your loss. We are 7 yrs into our fertility (3yrs) journey and then adoption (4yrs) wait. I don't know what to say but just know you are being thought of...

  2. Please don't give up. Don't ever give up on your dream of children. I know how you feel, I felt so helpless for a number of years as well. I don't want to say all the mind-numbing stuff that every one tends to say but I will say this...adoption is beautiful and wonderful and without it...I wouldn't have my gorgeous baby boy with me right now. And it was ALL.WORTH.IT.

    Whether or not it's right for you, I don't know...but I do know that there are lots of children out there looking for their forever home. You could be that home.

    Don't ever give up!

  3. I get frustrated ready about your 'terminal' journey. It cost me next to nothing to adopt my daughter. Have you not considered the foster care system? Does your child have to be an infant? Does your child have to be medically perfect? If so, you are asking too much. Open your eyes.

  4. ChaneyM - Clearly you never read my other blog.

    For over two years we tried to adopt from the foster care system. We applied for 100s of children/sibling groups. We were open to adopt ages 0-6, one child up to a sibling group of three. We were also open to different ethnic backgrounds and children with medical problems.

    Do you really think we were asking too much?

  5. I apologize if I missed a post somewhere-but your blog has brought me such strength. I was wondering if you had given up on the idea of surrogacy? I know there are many women out there interested in being surrogates . . . I absolutely do not think you are asking too much.

  6. Madison - if we could afford it, we'd certainly use a surrogate, unfortunately, we simply cannot afford it. Thank you for your thoughts :)

  7. I just stumbled upon your old blog that has led me here.
    Obviously I don't know your full story but I do fully understand the price an infertile pays. The fee is hefty - both monetarily and emotionally. I am saddened to hear that circumstances have left you ineligible to adopt, especially given it's something you are so open to. It just boggles my mind and I really can't grasp that it just kind of ends like that.
    I truly do hope that things change and you are able to add to your family of two. In the meantime, even though I'm not walking a similar path, I hope I can offer some support.