It's how I feel. Worthless. I feel like I must be a really terrible person to not be allowed to have children. It's how I feel. It's how it feels. What have I done wrong, where did I take a wrong turn. What did I do to deserve this. I feel less than human. I feel like God forgot about me. My faith is shaken, what little faith I had left.

Why me Why me Why me Why me . . . it floats around in my head all day and all night long. I try to retrace my steps through life, trying to figure out where I went wrong, what I did wrong, how I could have had a different outcome, how I could have had children, been allowed to have children. What have I done.

It must have been something pretty terrible to deserve this. I just wish I knew what. I wish I knew what I could to do fix it, what I could do so I'd be allowed to have children. Why is my body broken. It not only let me down, but also many others. Many family members and the embryo donors. My worthless body let so many down. But why.

So now all I can wonder is why am I even here. If I'm worth so little as a human being, what's the point. It makes it difficult to get up every day. It's difficult to even put one foot in front of the other. I wonder how long it will last. We suspect this is something we will never "get over" but learn how to live with, even though we are expected to get over it and move on with our lives.

The feelings of worthlessness are overwhelming.


  1. I wish there were an answer to "why." I know too many good women who would be wonderful mothers who struggle with this every day. It's heartbreaking. But you're not worthless, by a long shot.

  2. Thank you Erin, I know I'm not completely, but that's how it feels most days.

  3. I guess I just want to say that I think your feelings will change and improve with time. If you look at my journal from a couple of years ago, I could have wrote your post. But time has changed that for me. I don't know why. I think part of it is that I got to a point where I realized the importance of my marriage. Because the #1 person in my life wants me to be there forever and always...kids or no kids. That the bond of marriage is super, super strong. I think your bond is like that too from thinks you have written. It is the most important thing to hold on to right now and forever and always.

  4. Colleen, Thank you so much for writing this. It really helps me to hear from someone who knows where I am coming from. I do hope and think my feelings will change and improve with time, I just wish I had a crystal ball to tell me when.

    You are right, my husband and I do have a super strong bond, which I have to say is one of infertility's silver linings. I guess it's what happens when two people go through hell and back repeatedly together.

    Thank you for your encouraging words, they really mean a lot to me. I will read them often. You have given me hope.


  5. I just wanted to say thank you. I found your blog randomly looking at infertility sites. My husband and I have TTC for 6 years. All of our friends/family have children - so we are alone in the infertility bubble. It is nice to see that I'm not alone in feeling like this. Thank you. I'm sorry your journey has been so long. I hope that you are able to add a child into your lives soon. <3

  6. Dearest Waiting, I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. I hope knowing you are not alone brings you some comfort, however little. Thank you for leaving me a comment, I know it takes courage sometimes. I wish you all the best on your journey, may it be a short one. <3