It's how I feel. Worthless. I feel like I must be a really terrible person to not be allowed to have children. It's how I feel. It's how it feels. What have I done wrong, where did I take a wrong turn. What did I do to deserve this. I feel less than human. I feel like God forgot about me. My faith is shaken, what little faith I had left.
Why me Why me Why me Why me . . . it floats around in my head all day and all night long. I try to retrace my steps through life, trying to figure out where I went wrong, what I did wrong, how I could have had a different outcome, how I could have had children, been allowed to have children. What have I done.
It must have been something pretty terrible to deserve this. I just wish I knew what. I wish I knew what I could to do fix it, what I could do so I'd be allowed to have children. Why is my body broken. It not only let me down, but also many others. Many family members and the embryo donors. My worthless body let so many down. But why.
So now all I can wonder is why am I even here. If I'm worth so little as a human being, what's the point. It makes it difficult to get up every day. It's difficult to even put one foot in front of the other. I wonder how long it will last. We suspect this is something we will never "get over" but learn how to live with, even though we are expected to get over it and move on with our lives.
The feelings of worthlessness are overwhelming.