pipe dream

Pipe Dream is a "reality" program I have been watching with my husband on the Golf Channel.

The beginning of his story may not be glamorous, but Mark Burk is out to change the ending. This winter on Golf Channel, follow one man as he leaves the past behind and works toward his dream of playing professional golf on the Champions Tour. Burk, a 53-year-old scratch golfer, once had riches, but a sudden twist of fate turned his riches to rags, and with nowhere left to go, Mark was forced to take shelter in highway culvert pipes.

Now down, out and homeless, watch as he confronts the enormous challenges facing other amateur tour players on their journey to Q-school, all the while, Mark is struggling to get off the streets and rebuild his life. Mark’s goal may not be unique, but his story is definitely remarkable and the demons he must face are far from ordinary.
In the episode we watched last night (maybe the final episode) Mark is on the golf course with his therapist. His therapist is pointing out to him that he must have other things to focus on besides golf. He needs to learn to strike a balance. If Marks continues to focus only on golf and his dream of being on tour and that all falls through, Mark will have nothing.

Of course, I relate everything to infertility. After 12 years, how could I not. But I realized this is exactly what I did and why I'm having such a difficult time. I had no balance. I was focused on having a child and nothing else.

When we were trying to figure out why we weren't getting pregnant, I read books and scoured the internet trying to self-diagnose since none of the "specialists" we saw could come up with anything better than "unexplained infertility."

When we were having treatment, I tried to learn everything I could about the treatment, what I could eat to improve our chances, etc.

When we were hoping to adopt, I spent every waking moment searching for a child/children who we could adopt.

I don't do anything half-assed.

But in November of last year, I began to feel the effects of my behavior. The effects only focusing on one thing for so many years. And I continue to feel the fall-out of that.

I should have been leading a more balanced life. I wish I had other things to fall back on when the baby thing didn't work out. Like Mark, we were just SO sure it would work out and we would get our happily-ever-after.

Hind sight is 20/20... If I knew then what I know now... and so on...

Please learn from me, the good and the bad. Learn from my mistakes. Don't put all your eggs in one basket (how could I resist using THAT). I was in denial. Having a child was the ONLY way. Unfortunately that did not work out for us. And I am trying to pick up the pieces and put my life together and I'm finding it very difficult.

Find balance. Have a plan.


what i will miss

Some days are harder than others. Maybe it's a friend's Facebook post about their child, maybe it's a TV commercial. But pretty much daily I am reminded of the things I will miss by not being able to be a parent.

  • being pregnant
  • giving birth
  • seeing my baby for the first time
  • naming my baby
  • nursing my baby
  • feeding my baby
  • cleaning poopy diapers
  • my baby's first smile
  • my baby cooing
  • feeling the love of my baby
  • my baby laughing (there is nothing sweeter than a baby's laugh)
  • my baby's first steps
  • loving my baby
  • my baby's first words
  • potty training
  • feeling my child's hand in mine
  • taking my child to see family in England
  • my baby's first hair cut
  • my child's first night in their big kid's bed
  • my child's first day of school
  • my child's sporting events
  • loving my child
  • doing home work with my child
  • feeling the love of my child
  • teaching my child to take photographs
  • celebrating my child's birthdays
  • my child's first love
  • holding my child
  • teaching my child to drive
  • going on holiday with my child
  • loving my child
  • my child's high school graduation
  • taking my child to college
  • feeling pride in my child
  • seeing my child graduate from college
  • hearing of my child's engagement
  • attending my child's wedding
  • loving my child
  • hearing of my child's pregnancy or pending adoption
  • being a grandma
  • loving my grandchildren
  • loving my child
and the list goes on...

With children, one pretty much has the rest of their life mapped out for them, celebrations to look forward to, milestones, etc. Without children, the future seems a vast wasteland, with little to look forward to.

I know it's not all sweetness and light, I know you have to take the bad with the good, and we were more than willing to do that.

We will never understand why we are being left out of life's sweetest blessing.


We will never stop wanting children.

We will never really be "over it."

We are told we should "be over it by now" by people who have children.

Like any deep wound, it will take time to heal, and there will always be a scar.


just another manic thursday

Yes, as a matter of fact, I do feel a little hyper-manic.

Not only do I have good days and bad days, but I also have good hours and bad hours.

I know this is evident in my writing.

This is it, the aftermath.

I'm wondering how long it will last, how long until I level out.

I don't have a childless living handbook. They didn't teach us anything about this in middle school health.

infertility's silver linings (yes, there's even more than one)

As sad and depressed as I've been lately, it has come to my attention that infertility does have some silver linings. I intend to add more as they come to light.

  • Because of our 12-year journey, and what we've been through, the bond between my husband and I is truly amazing and strong.
  • I have met some of the most wonderful people who, like me, suffer from infertility. One woman is my BFF . One woman and her husband generously donated their embryos to us for FET. I have been sent care packages and gift cards from women I've never met. I have felt the support and love of strangers.

I hope I can continue to find silver linings, but these are the two that help me get through the day, every day.

julie & julia

Life After Infertility Treatments Fail

There is a quiet moment in the film Julie & Julia when Julia Child gets the news that her sister is pregnant. With a quiet sob, Meryl Streep makes us understand how deeply her character wanted a child, and how painful it was to accept that she would never have one...

click here to read the full article


an obsession with things

My husband and I met in Paris. We collect Eiffel Towers. We love all things Eiffel and all things Paris. You would too if you'd met your soul mate in Paris.

I obsess over what will happen to our Eiffel Towers. Who would want them but our own children or grandchildren.

But it's not just our Eiffel Towers.

I just knitted my very first scarf. I showed it to a friend who said she has a hat that her great grandmother knitted. She said my scarf will be very special to someone one day. But "to whom" I wondered, as I fought back tears.

Where will my wedding ring and engagement ring end up? And where will the precious things handed down to me by other family members end up.

I obsess over this. Day and night. Odd little things pop in my head. What will happen to this, what will happen to that, will anyone appreciate it the way I did, will anyone understand what it meant to me. But they are just things, so I feel silly obsessing over them. But I do.

If I had children, I wouldn't give these things a second thought. I'd have my children to care for and to love. And things would hold little meaning.

I feel like a dead end.