I'm just so not feeling it, for many reasons. This is supposed to be a season of joy and a time centered around children.
We are still trying to adjust to the thought of never having children. It will take some time for us to learn to live with this tragedy.
This week I lost two family members. One was the last member of my grandma's generation, my grandma's oldest sister, my great aunt. I am having a very difficult time with this loss. The loss of a generation. Now there are only two generations left in my family when there should be at least three. We should have children. My parents should have grandchildren. I can't help but wonder what will become of us. I cry every day at the thought of no children ever coming home to our house for Christmas, no grandchildren coming to our house at some future Christmas.
I look at my Christmas ornaments, each with a story, and wonder where they will end up with no one to tell the stories to or pass them on to. I usually purchase a new ornament each year and write the year on it. I bought one this year, but as I put it on our Christmas tree, I couldn't help wondering why.
I know, I have my health and a husband who loves me very much, but this time of year is just not the same when you are childless.