the most wonderful time of year?

I'm just so not feeling it, for many reasons. This is supposed to be a season of joy and a time centered around children.

We are still trying to adjust to the thought of never having children. It will take some time for us to learn to live with this tragedy.

This week I lost two family members. One was the last member of my grandma's generation, my grandma's oldest sister, my great aunt. I am having a very difficult time with this loss. The loss of a generation. Now there are only two generations left in my family when there should be at least three. We should have children. My parents should have grandchildren. I can't help but wonder what will become of us. I cry every day at the thought of no children ever coming home to our house for Christmas, no grandchildren coming to our house at some future Christmas.

I look at my Christmas ornaments, each with a story, and wonder where they will end up with no one to tell the stories to or pass them on to. I usually purchase a new ornament each year and write the year on it. I bought one this year, but as I put it on our Christmas tree, I couldn't help wondering why.

I know, I have my health and a husband who loves me very much, but this time of year is just not the same when you are childless.


  1. Oh Julie,
    I've never met you but I keep thinking about you! I came across this blog from your group on facebook, and I have read a lot of your old blog so I know some of your back story.

    I'm so sorry you have to go through this! The pain God allows good people to go through is beyond my comprehension, especially women who ache for the children they don't have. I am just now at the one year mark which makes me officially "infertile" according to the medical community, so I only understand the hurt you are feeling in a small way right now. You are on the list of women I beg and plead to God about, that He will work in your situation.

  2. I so hear everything you are saying. My dad is still living but he is 88. No one to follow me biologically. It Stinks! One thing I have learned that people with children never do--that we are not defined by our children. We have to find out who we really are without burying ourselves in kids.

  3. Julie, I was so sad to see your old blog be finished, but am glad you are still blogging.

    I am so sorry to hear about your recent loss. i am sure your great aunt was a fantastic woman.

    I wanted to tell you, I met a man who used to work with my husband and he and his wife wanted to adopt a child too. They couldn't afford it because of the circumstances in their lives/jobs/etc. Well they wrote a letter/email to every close friend they knew telling them that they couldn't have kids and explained how much they needed to be parents, how much love they had to give. They sent this letter to everyone and had raised enough money within weeks. I want to say it was about 15k plus.

    Also when my husband and I started our adoption we were boggled at how we were going to pay for eveything. Our friends then offered to hold a golf tournament in our honor charged a certain amount per foursome with all proceeds to help fund our adoption. We declined the offer, but these may be options for you. My heart breaks for you evertime I read your blog. I wish I could be a surrogate for you, but I too am unable to have children. Please keep your head up...try and stay positive...

    I'm sending you so much good energy... :)

  4. Are you open to kids with disabilities? Have you heart of Reece's Rainbow? I read a great blog, and they have adopted five beautiful children. It may be worth checking out. They adopt from Russia, etc. http://cornishadoptionjourney.blogspot.com/
    There are millions of parentless children in this world...it seems so frustrating that you can't get your hands on one! I know funds are an issue, at least they would be for me. I also have a friend who did a domestic adoption and it was about 10K. I know that's a lot of money, but truly, you could save it in shorter time than you think. She ended up putting part of it on her credit card even, but I'm sure she doesn't regret that decision. :) She suffered at least six miscarriages before turning to adoption. You're in my heart!

  5. It does seem cruel that this is happening. I hope that somehow, some way you are able to figure out a solution. I can't even begin to imagine your pain.

    God Bless and Best wishes.

  6. Just checking in to see how you're doing. Hope the holiday season was manageable and you guys found some quiet time to yourselves.

  7. My husband and I adopted a baby boy through foster care. He was 8 months old when he was placed as a foster only -then we adopted him afterhis 2nd birthday. Our lawyer was less than $2,000 and only that much because we changed the county and date.

    You don't have to considr yourself childless. My old roommate spends almost all weekend with her Little Sister from the Big Brother program.
    You can have comfort in knowing that we have a God of comfort. Let Him pull you close during this journey. I will be praying for you!