pipe dream

Pipe Dream is a "reality" program I have been watching with my husband on the Golf Channel.

The beginning of his story may not be glamorous, but Mark Burk is out to change the ending. This winter on Golf Channel, follow one man as he leaves the past behind and works toward his dream of playing professional golf on the Champions Tour. Burk, a 53-year-old scratch golfer, once had riches, but a sudden twist of fate turned his riches to rags, and with nowhere left to go, Mark was forced to take shelter in highway culvert pipes.

Now down, out and homeless, watch as he confronts the enormous challenges facing other amateur tour players on their journey to Q-school, all the while, Mark is struggling to get off the streets and rebuild his life. Mark’s goal may not be unique, but his story is definitely remarkable and the demons he must face are far from ordinary.

In the episode we watched last night (maybe the final episode) Mark is on the golf course with his therapist. His therapist is pointing out to him that he must have other things to focus on besides golf. He needs to learn to strike a balance. If Marks continues to focus only on golf and his dream of being on tour and that all falls through, Mark will have nothing.

Of course, I relate everything to infertility. After 12 years, how could I not. But I realized this is exactly what I did and why I'm having such a difficult time. I had no balance. I was focused on having a child and nothing else.

When we were trying to figure out why we weren't getting pregnant, I read books and scoured the internet trying to self-diagnose since none of the "specialists" we saw could come up with anything better than "unexplained infertility."

When we were having treatment, I tried to learn everything I could about the treatment, what I could eat to improve our chances, etc.

When we were hoping to adopt, I spent every waking moment searching for a child/children who we could adopt.

I don't do anything half-assed.

But in November of last year, I began to feel the effects of my behavior. The effects only focusing on one thing for so many years. And I continue to feel the fall-out of that.

I should have been leading a more balanced life. I wish I had other things to fall back on when the baby thing didn't work out. Like Mark, we were just SO sure it would work out and we would get our happily-ever-after.

Hind sight is 20/20... If I knew then what I know now... and so on...

Please learn from me, the good and the bad. Learn from my mistakes. Don't put all your eggs in one basket (how could I resist using THAT). I was in denial. Having a child was the ONLY way. Unfortunately that did not work out for us. And I am trying to pick up the pieces and put my life together and I'm finding it very difficult.

Find balance. Have a plan.