an obsession with things

My husband and I met in Paris. We collect Eiffel Towers. We love all things Eiffel and all things Paris. You would too if you'd met your soul mate in Paris.

I obsess over what will happen to our Eiffel Towers. Who would want them but our own children or grandchildren.

But it's not just our Eiffel Towers.

I just knitted my very first scarf. I showed it to a friend who said she has a hat that her great grandmother knitted. She said my scarf will be very special to someone one day. But "to whom" I wondered, as I fought back tears.

Where will my wedding ring and engagement ring end up? And where will the precious things handed down to me by other family members end up.

I obsess over this. Day and night. Odd little things pop in my head. What will happen to this, what will happen to that, will anyone appreciate it the way I did, will anyone understand what it meant to me. But they are just things, so I feel silly obsessing over them. But I do.

If I had children, I wouldn't give these things a second thought. I'd have my children to care for and to love. And things would hold little meaning.

I feel like a dead end.

worthless

It's how I feel. Worthless. I feel like I must be a really terrible person to not be allowed to have children. It's how I feel. It's how it feels. What have I done wrong, where did I take a wrong turn. What did I do to deserve this. I feel less than human. I feel like God forgot about me. My faith is shaken, what little faith I had left.

Why me Why me Why me Why me . . . it floats around in my head all day and all night long. I try to retrace my steps through life, trying to figure out where I went wrong, what I did wrong, how I could have had a different outcome, how I could have had children, been allowed to have children. What have I done.

It must have been something pretty terrible to deserve this. I just wish I knew what. I wish I knew what I could to do fix it, what I could do so I'd be allowed to have children. Why is my body broken. It not only let me down, but also many others. Many family members and the embryo donors. My worthless body let so many down. But why.

So now all I can wonder is why am I even here. If I'm worth so little as a human being, what's the point. It makes it difficult to get up every day. It's difficult to even put one foot in front of the other. I wonder how long it will last. We suspect this is something we will never "get over" but learn how to live with, even though we are expected to get over it and move on with our lives.

The feelings of worthlessness are overwhelming.

why me

wondering when, wondering why

I'm wondering when I will be able to be around people talking about pregnancy, babies and children without having a total breakdown . . .

Fell apart in a store today overhearing a conversation a pregnant woman was having about her pregnancy and the fact that there are only a few weeks left.

Why why why? Why me?

Oh, also over heard a conversation in a restaurant. Three women were talking about how people who don't procreate are "an abomination." Seriously? There are people out there walking around who believe this is true? Really?

I may never leave the house again.