infertility's silver linings (yes, there's even more than one)

As sad and depressed as I've been lately, it has come to my attention that infertility does have some silver linings. I intend to add more as they come to light.

• Because of our 12-year journey, and what we've been through, the bond between my husband and I is truly amazing and strong.
• I have met some of the most wonderful people who, like me, suffer from infertility. One woman is my BFF . One woman and her husband generously donated their embryos to us for FET. I have been sent care packages and gift cards from women I've never met. I have felt the support and love of strangers.
  

I hope I can continue to find silver linings, but these are the two that help me get through the day, every day.

an obsession with things

My husband and I met in Paris. We collect Eiffel Towers. We love all things Eiffel and all things Paris. You would too if you'd met your soul mate in Paris.

I obsess over what will happen to our Eiffel Towers. Who would want them but our own children or grandchildren.

But it's not just our Eiffel Towers.

I just knitted my very first scarf. I showed it to a friend who said she has a hat that her great grandmother knitted. She said my scarf will be very special to someone one day. But "to whom" I wondered, as I fought back tears.

Where will my wedding ring and engagement ring end up? And where will the precious things handed down to me by other family members end up.

I obsess over this. Day and night. Odd little things pop in my head. What will happen to this, what will happen to that, will anyone appreciate it the way I did, will anyone understand what it meant to me. But they are just things, so I feel silly obsessing over them. But I do.

If I had children, I wouldn't give these things a second thought. I'd have my children to care for and to love. And things would hold little meaning.

I feel like a dead end.

the most wonderful time of year?

I'm just so not feeling it, for many reasons. This is supposed to be a season of joy and a time centered around children.

We are still trying to adjust to the thought of never having children. It will take some time for us to learn to live with this tragedy.

This week I lost two family members. One was the last member of my grandma's generation, my grandma's oldest sister, my great aunt. I am having a very difficult time with this loss. The loss of a generation. Now there are only two generations left in my family when there should be at least three. We should have children. My parents should have grandchildren. I can't help but wonder what will become of us. I cry every day at the thought of no children ever coming home to our house for Christmas, no grandchildren coming to our house at some future Christmas.

I look at my Christmas ornaments, each with a story, and wonder where they will end up with no one to tell the stories to or pass them on to. I usually purchase a new ornament each year and write the year on it. I bought one this year, but as I put it on our Christmas tree, I couldn't help wondering why.

I know, I have my health and a husband who loves me very much, but this time of year is just not the same when you are childless.

where to begin

Well, it's terminal. We will never have children. This is the worst news I've ever received. It's unthinkable.

I just don't know where to begin. And I don't know where I fit in now. Everyone who wants them, has children. Everyone but us. I feel so isolated. And the timing, it couldn't be worse. The holidays. A season centered around children. I have not bought one Christmas gift yet. My heart is just not in it. I want to wake up in January tomorrow.

How do we go on?

We have spent 11.5 years of our 14.5 year marriage trying to bring children into our family of two. I hardly know how to get through the day without thinking of infertility treatment or searching the internet for children in foster care who need a forever family.

I think I'm still kinda in shock. This just cannot be happening to me, to us. I'd rather have cancer than not have children. There, I said it. It is how I feel. People who have never suffered from infertility may never understand.

to be continued . . .