infertility's silver linings (yes, there's even more than one)

As sad and depressed as I've been lately, it has come to my attention that infertility does have some silver linings. I intend to add more as they come to light.

• Because of our 12-year journey, and what we've been through, the bond between my husband and I is truly amazing and strong.
• I have met some of the most wonderful people who, like me, suffer from infertility. One woman is my BFF . One woman and her husband generously donated their embryos to us for FET. I have been sent care packages and gift cards from women I've never met. I have felt the support and love of strangers.
  

I hope I can continue to find silver linings, but these are the two that help me get through the day, every day.

julie & julia

Life After Infertility Treatments Fail

There is a quiet moment in the film Julie & Julia when Julia Child gets the news that her sister is pregnant. With a quiet sob, Meryl Streep makes us understand how deeply her character wanted a child, and how painful it was to accept that she would never have one...

click here to read the full article

a book recommendation for those wishing to support an infertile friend or loved one

This book was recently recommended to me for family and friends of those suffering from infertility.

In this heartfelt collection of stories and advice, authors Shari DeGraff Stewart and Julia Fichtner Krahm help anyone who cares about one of the seven million infertile women in the U.S. translate love into supportive words and actions. Drawing from their own experiences and those of others, the authors offer compassionate guidance on how to address many common challenges that readers might face when helping a loved one through this difficult time:

- For those who don't know what to say words and responses that are helpful to her, and importantly, what she absolutely doesn't want to hear
- For those who feel helpless advice on what to do to support, comfort, and empower her in what may be the fight of her life
- For those who want to get it guidance on how to walk alongside her when she feels like no one understands her loneliness, anxiety, and pain

With accessible suggestions for husbands, family members, and friends, this book will help readers deliver the level of support that inspires an infertile woman to say, I don t think I would have survived without his support, or I wouldn't have made it without her.

Available from Amazon.com and BarnsandNoble.com

Infertility: The Disease We Need to Start Talking About

Infertility: The Disease We Need to Start Talking About

Why the silence? People battling infertility are certainly not alone -- a staggering one in eight couples face it -- yet many feel like it is an extremely personal matter not to be shared with anyone but anonymous women and men on message boards. Some say they feel shame for not being able to procreate or for having faulty plumbing, so to speak. Also, in our somewhat still Puritanical society, we've been brought up to believe that sex is a private matter. Discussing it in some circles, even when it pertains to a medical condition, is taboo.

An important article I wanted to share.

Myrtle Isn't Fertile Anymore

Myrtle isn't Fertile Anymore

Fertility, shmertility. It seems I cannot read printed material of any kind without finding a discussion of women and fertility. Take it from someone who's been there: Trying to conceive a child can be a heartbreaking journey, especially when choosing a nontraditional method of conception. I have asked myself time and time again: If I knew then what I know now would I have gone the same route? The answer is always the same: a resounding yes, even four years, no babies, and twenty pounds later. . . .

Awesome article by Lisa Mirza Grotts. I highly recommend it if you or someone you know suffers from infertility.

the gravity of infertility

I recently had a conversation with two friends of mine (who happen to be infertile) about why others cannot seem to grasp the gravity of infertility. Many people in the infertile world often compare infertility to cancer because everyone seems to be able to empathize with cancer patients, however very few are able to empathize with infertility patients.

People seem to think it's ok to jokingly offer an infertile person their children. This is not appropriate. "Oh you can't have kids? ha ha ha, you can have mine! ha ha ha." This is neither appropriate nor funny to someone suffering from infertility.

People would never dream of joking with a breast cancer patient by offering them a boob. Not appropriate, not funny.

But people continue to offer us their kids, and I continue to respond by saying "I'll take them."

My friend recently said:

I was thinking of other examples [besides cancer].... Like dismemberment, loss of a child (which clearly relates). As for empathy, I think people see childbearing as a right or something only for those so approved... I have been told many times that this shows I should not have kids because there is clearly something wrong with me. People see infertilies as second class, so there is no need to empathize.

My other friend said:

Would you tell a person with lymphoma that God didn't mean for him to live long and he should just accept it?

We think not, so why, why, WHY is it ok to tell infertiles that they weren't meant to have children, weren't meant to be parents, that things have worked out for the best?

Unacceptable.

When we use cancer as an example (and I am not alone in this), we are not trying to belittle cancer patients, we are trying to raise awareness of infertility and it's gravity in order to help others understand.

where to begin

Well, it's terminal. We will never have children. This is the worst news I've ever received. It's unthinkable.

I just don't know where to begin. And I don't know where I fit in now. Everyone who wants them, has children. Everyone but us. I feel so isolated. And the timing, it couldn't be worse. The holidays. A season centered around children. I have not bought one Christmas gift yet. My heart is just not in it. I want to wake up in January tomorrow.

How do we go on?

We have spent 11.5 years of our 14.5 year marriage trying to bring children into our family of two. I hardly know how to get through the day without thinking of infertility treatment or searching the internet for children in foster care who need a forever family.

I think I'm still kinda in shock. This just cannot be happening to me, to us. I'd rather have cancer than not have children. There, I said it. It is how I feel. People who have never suffered from infertility may never understand.

to be continued . . .